Pansies
We planted pansies at Henry's grave yesterday. The water spigot near his stone was broken, so Brian walked the kids halfway across the cemetery to fill the watering can. Brian's voice faded slowly as...
View ArticleMay
Six years ago I was getting ready for this little being I didn't yet know as Henry to be born. I knew there was a small hole in his heart, and yet I wasn't freaking out. Otherwise, all was well. I felt...
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Mother's Day
All over Facebook, friends are posting open letters to pastors about how to deal with Mother's Day and Anne Lamott's comments about mother's love and mystical unicorns. People are thanking their moms...
View ArticleLayers
A few months after Henry died, Brian and I drove to Boston every other week for a grief group. One of the images that stuck with was the layers of the onion. We kept peeling away those layers of...
View ArticleSix
Everyone slept in today. Elizabeth stirred around 6 and then settled back and so did I. I woke with a start at 7:30 and hurried up to get started with the morning. I felt beat up. I felt old....
View ArticleRight Where I Am 2013: Five years, five months, fifteen days
Past years in this project, I was on the verge of Henry's birthday, which meant that no matter how good I had been doing, I was wound tight, waiting. This year, though, his birthday is just behind us....
View ArticleWhere did that come from?
The Sunday before Henry's birthday, I thought I was doing so well. I sized up the baptismal font and the triptych of memories and thought, more layers, not so hard.Right.I should know that when I have...
View ArticleSummer
We celebrated the solstice on Friday with a neighborhood party that included margaritas for big people and lots of lemonade for little people, fire, s'mores, and staying up late. Kathleen got to see a...
View ArticleSummer unplugged (kinda)
I remember setting up my first email account to participate in an online discussion group for a seminar my senior year. I have a letter up in my attic from my friend Kate asking me if I had email and...
View ArticleRani and Anne
Tomorrow, I'm going to the Green River Festival with my sister. Four years ago, I went reluctantly. I got there and heard this, "I wanna be ready. I wanna be ready. I wanna be ready when joy comes back...
View ArticleOverlooking little things
A weird rash that appeared on my leg around the 4th of July lingered, and then started to spread. Last week, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. Twice a day, I take antibiotics. The doctor told me,...
View ArticleBefore
As part of the legnthy process of transforming my home office to play room, I'm working on getting rid of my old computer. The one run Mac OS 8.6. The one I haven't used in, oh, six years or so. It's...
View ArticleDecember looming
As I look at my grocery list and wonder if there is anything I absolutely need before Friday, anything that is worth descending into the hell that is supermarket the week before Thanksgiving, I realize...
View ArticleClearing
I came home from Thanksgiving a bit reluctantly a day earlier than usual, which turned out to be a wonderful decision. I spent the weekend cleaning: clearing debris—scraps of paper, twisted pipe...
View ArticleWhat you can handle
God doesn't give you more than you can handle. It's one of those sayings like everything happens for a reason that doesn't sit right with me. Still, this was my prayer today: I can't handle more....
View ArticleMy family
I'm blessed in my family. I've known this, but I am reminded again and again.My dad is doing much better. But over the weekend when my mom seemed to need somebody there on Tuesday, my sister and I...
View ArticleFive and three
I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old in my house, where last Tuesday I had four and two. Kathleen woke up singing Wednesday, "I'm five! I'm five! I'm five! I'm five!" She's still delighted....
View ArticleThe day after
There is no right thing to do on the anniversary of the day your child died, but what has felt most right to me over time is slowing down and making space.I gave clients a heads up that I'd be out of...
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